Fear of not being perfect

You are perfect when you make

people happy

when you resolve people’s problems

when you make them laugh


You are perfect when you never

make mistakes

and people

want to be with you


You are perfect when you never

stop smiling

or laughing


You are perfect when you are good

at everything


You are perfect when you are the

perfect girlfriend

the perfect


the perfect daughter




or counsellor.


I’ve never been perfect

I try

and sometimes I’m close


Once I was very close

and nearly died


I’m always close to being


but I’m not.



Fuck Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde said

be yourself,

everyone else is taken.

fuck Oscar Wilde

what an idiot

i need to by myself

as if it were possible

as if every conversation

were the same

or meant the same

as if every person were the same

experienced the same

cried the same

laughed the same

or loved the same

as if i was essentially



Oscar Wilde,

i cannot

have chocolate con churros,

a caffè macchiato,

a croissant

a bretzen

an eggs and bacon bagel

with the same stomach

because I’m not




They are different

pastries elaborated with

different ingredients through

different procedures resulting in

different calories and

different nationalities with

different origins and

different experiences

they are different


and not



Oscar Wilde,

i must have

different stomachs brains and hearts

because my self is not


Daunt bookshop

Reading is daunting

or i find it daunting


they hold too

many stories




they are too powerful

what are we supposed to do?


choose a book

or a life

choose the

best book

the best life

the perfect book


I hate books

i officially hate books

i don’t want to hear about books

But let them not disappear!

especially my books

whilst daunting

always books



and opportunities


Hoping to always have a life to guide with a book, or a books.

It doesn’t exist!


it’s stupid


we’re designed to survive

And love looks like a devil

or maybe we just dress it up as one

we allow it to destroy us

and change our lives


we allow it to be perfect

when we are not


if we make love perfect

then there is no perfect

or maybe there is

a perfect



no idea what perfect is

but it’s not love

and it’s definitely not


The Pain of –

It’s always painful

being perfect

not being perfect

acting like perfect

faking perfect



It’s always painful



i ask


Ana and Mia reply

why not

being normal or staying the same is boring

and bad

only lazy people aren’t perfect

Always seize perfection


but what if I’m not

They reply

then you can be perfect

become perfect

fake it

not until you make it

but until you become it



But i’m just close

only close


Boys say i’m cute

girls say i’m sweet

boss says i’m committed

parents say i’m mature

and different

sometimes perfect

but i’m not perfect


Four years after overcoming anorexia, I can still predict my anorexic past