The Pain of –

It’s always painful

being perfect

not being perfect

acting like perfect

faking perfect

dreaming

thinking

It’s always painful

 

Why

i ask

and

Ana and Mia reply

why not

being normal or staying the same is boring

and bad

only lazy people aren’t perfect

Always seize perfection

 

but what if I’m not

They reply

then you can be perfect

become perfect

fake it

not until you make it

but until you become it

remember?

 

But i’m just close

only close

 

Boys say i’m cute

girls say i’m sweet

boss says i’m committed

parents say i’m mature

and different

sometimes perfect

but i’m not perfect

 

Four years after overcoming anorexia, I can still predict my anorexic past

 

 

Fear of not being perfect

You are perfect when you make

people happy

when you resolve people’s problems

when you make them laugh

 

You are perfect when you never

make mistakes

and people

want to be with you

 

You are perfect when you never

stop smiling

or laughing

 

You are perfect when you are good

at everything

 

You are perfect when you are the

perfect girlfriend

the perfect

friend

the perfect daughter

student

dancer

leader

or counsellor.

 

I’ve never been perfect

I try

and sometimes I’m close

 

Once I was very close

and nearly died

 

I’m always close to being

perfect

but I’m not.